Saturday, December 27, 2008


Saudade is a Galician and Portuguese word for a feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.

Saudade differs from nostalgia in that whereas nostalgia involves a mixed happy and sad feeling for the lost memories, saudade involves the hope that what is being longed for might return. Saudade has been described as a "vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist,... a turning towards the past or towards the future". A stronger form of saudade may be felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown, such as a lost lover, or a family member who has gone missing.

In music

As with all emotions, saudade has been an inspiration for many songs and compositions. "Sodade" ("saudade" in Cape Verdean Creole) is the title of the Cape Verde Morna singer Cesária Évora's most famous song; French singer Étienne Daho also produced a song of the same name. The Good Son, a 1990 album by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, was heavily informed by Cave's mental state at the time, which he has described as saudade. He told journalist Chris Bohn that "when I explained to someone that what I wanted to write about was the memory of things that I thought were lost for me, I was told that the Portuguese word for this feeling was "saudade". It's not nostalgia but something sadder." Portuguese American singer/songwriter Jorge Ferreira recorded in 1992 the song "Saudade" from his album Regresso Prometido. A large number of songs of this emigrated artist speaks in majority about the feeling of saudade.

The usage of saudade as a theme in Portuguese music goes back to the 16th century, the golden age of Portugal. Saudade, as well as love suffering, is a common theme in many villancicos and cantigas composed by Portuguese authors; for example: "Lágrimas de Saudade" (tears of saudade), which is an anonymous work from the Cancioneiro de Paris. Fado is a Portuguese music style, generally sung by a single person (the fadista) along with a Portuguese guitar. The most popular themes of fado are saudade, nostalgia, jealousy, and short stories of the typical city quarters. Fado, and Saudade are two key and intertwined ideas in Portuguese culture. The word fado comes from Latin fatum meaning "fate" or "destiny". Fado is a musical cultural expression and recognition of this unassailable determinism which compels the resigned yearning of saudade, a bittersweet, existential yearning and hopefulness towards something over which one has no control.

The Paragyuan guitarist Agustin Barrios wrote several pieces invoking the feeling of saudade including Choro de Saudade and Preludio Saudade. The term is prominent in Brazilian popular music, including the first bossa nova song, "Chega de Saudade" (No more saudade), written by Tom Jobim. Due to the difficulties of translating the word saudade, the song is often translated to English as No more Blues. In 1919, on returning from two years in Brazil, the French composer Darius Milhaud composed a suite, Saudades Do Brasil, which exemplified the concept of saudade. Saudade (part ii) is also the title of a second flute solo by the band Shpongle, the first one being flute fruit. The singer Amália Rodrigues typified themes of saudade in some of her songs. J-Rock band Porno Graffitti has a song titled "サウダージ”, "Saudaaji" transliterated ("Saudade"). The alternative rock band Love And Rockets has a wistful song 'Saudade' that evokes it quite well with its sound (and it is also appropriately the last track) on their album Seventh Dream of Teenage Heaven.

The contemporary Irish folk-rock band The Pogues, have recorded ballads that describe the feeling of saudade shared by many Irish that migrated to America, a good example being "Thousands are Sailing" from the album If I Should Fall from Grace with God

A jazz fusion trio consisting of John Scofield, Jack DeJohnette, and Larry Goldings released an album dedicated to drummer Tony Williams, called "Saudades." Dance music artist Peter Corvaia released a progressive house track entitled "Saudade" on HeadRush Music, a sub-label of Toes in the Sand Recordings. New York City post-rock band Mice Parade released an album entitled Obrigado Saudade in 2004. Chris Rea also recorded a song entitled Saudade as a tribute to Ayrton Senna the Brazilian three-times Formula One world champion killed on the track.There is an ambient/noise/shoegazing band from Portland, OR named Saudade. The rock band Extreme has a Portuguese guitarist Nuno Bettencourt; the influence of his heritage can be seen in the band's album titled Saudades de Rock. During recording, the mission statement was to bring back musicality to the medium. "Nancy Spain", a song by Barney Rush, made famous by an adaptation by Christy Moore is another example of the use of saudade in contemporary Irish music, the chorus of which is:

"No matter where I wander I'm still haunted by your name
The portrait of your beauty stays the same
Standing by the ocean wondering where you've gone
If you'll return again
Where is the ring I gave to Nancy Spain?"

More at Wikipedia

Monday, December 15, 2008


Had such a great day, and revealed so many things. I hope that honesty is the best policy. Too tired to go into details, mostly wish I could just have the whole night's conversations transcribed neatly here for future reference. Dragonspeak for life.

If I could be sure the future was going to be as bright as I see here in my mind.

Monday, December 1, 2008

I think..

That things are looking up lately.. which is a striking contrast to how they're looking to other folks in my life. Should I feel bad about feeling so good? Oh, and I covered Mazzy Star's "Fade Into You". Along with that photo above, this song brings back many fond memories. I've had a long life with no shortage of love. I'm lucky and grateful.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

History of Eff: Poetry Edition.

I came across some poems and prose from long, long ago. Many of them are cryptic, arbitrary or completely inspired by literature. Others are personal memoirs. In any case, here is the first of a few that I hope you will enjoy..


[era uoy.]
per- a perf- mind [i'm] eager to understand perfe-, a perfec- passion that burns to touch. you are the knowledge i just might forget, only so that i'll remember again. you're a velveteen laugh and shiny eyes, lips that pout to let me know just how bad you want, and just how very much you need. you are a treasure waiting to be, i am the appraiser who sees through common novelty.

[lrig elttil ym.]

you are the breath on my neck, and i just may be the hand on your thigh, the fingers through your hair. the too short shorts you'll wear to bed when the heat's too much to bear. you're knee-high black cotton socks and mary janes, and i'm the raised eyebrows they induce. while your pleated skirt sways over viciously pale-smooth thighs, my collar-and-tie grin shines. a sense of touch unfurls in violent disbelief as long, skeletal pleasure-tools slide closer, closer to. fingernail tapdance along a silky plateau, a shiver to acknowledge a job now well in progress.

[hself gnuoy gnignis.]
a waltz on ivory adapted to what might be the soundtrack of you and i, and it's big beats and loud drums. it's trumpets and a triangle played all so heavenly. it's your screaming violin solos perfectly accenting my weeping cello sweeps, so in hands held between us, an amphitheater packed with eager ears. watching, listening for this music held so dear and yet we two are the only ones who hear, the symphony of sound, of godly melody and ups and downs and i, and i..

fresh blood on blinding white porcelain. sudden bursts of energy. sleepless nights and hunting knives. you and i.

Monday, November 24, 2008

In My Life (Beatles Cover)

This week on TheeCommune is Beatles Week! There have been tons of great videos and more to come. I think Ryan (EshninerForest) and I are going to collab on a track soon as well. Not to mention the tracks that ColorMeKristen and I already recorded, which can be seen/heard on my main channel.

If you want to keep updated on all TheeCommune happenings, you can do so by following here: TheeCommune on Twitter

Take care, Bloggy Bloggerton.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Q: What does he mean when he says..

"It's futile" ?

a) There is no future in this.
b) There's no point in denying that there is.
c) Magic happens whether or not you want it to.
d) Nothing, they're just words.
e) All or nothing... of the above.

Guess and win.

Friday, November 14, 2008

TheeCommune gathers and love unfolds.

I spent the last 8+ hours with ColorMeKristen and Heffasaurus (Kristen and Heather, respectively) We drank, we laughed, we cuddled. We personified the ideals we live by, and avoided the simplest consequences of disheartening circumstances. We ignored misfortunes and relished in each others' company. Theecommune would be proud.

There's a whole lot of footage from this night, and you can rest assured that a large portion of it will end up on my YT page for mass consumption. Much of it won't, inquire not. (Mysteriousssss)

I love life like a fat kid loves cake..

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Part of me is tired of YouTube but mostly my channel. It feels like noone is watching anymore. I lose one or two subscribers a day regardless of what I put up. The sense of community has been losing steam, really. That's part of why I created the commune. But.. It's all making me feel very tired. And with over 200 subscriptions, there are only about five people whose videos I actually want to watch. The others I love just are not posting anymore.

Does this mean a hiatus is in order? I'm not sure..

Saturday, November 8, 2008

The Massacre at CQ. (Told and Transcribed)

There were once four young YouTubers that came across a hotel in Boston. and then one douchey man made them angry and revolt against the systems that had made them quiet little sheep. These YouTubers were not going to stand for it anymore!

---Based on a true story. Viewer discretion is advised.---

Cut to Heather standing in a hotel hallway.

[Douchey Man]
I'm trying to sleep in here.

[Billi, off camera]
I'm sorry.


[Chris Eff, incredulously]

[Kristalyn, perhaps?]
Let's gooooo..

We weren't even that loud!

[Chris Eff, through laughter]

---The Massacre at the CQ.---

The four begin walking down the hall. Chris Eff reaches over nonchalantly and rips a poster sized framed painting off the wall and drops it on the floor. His pace increases ever so slightly as the others, hands over mouths, fight back laughter.

Oh my.. oh my... oh my god!

Cut to Chris Eff standing in the elevator.

---The Rampage begins---

So open the door..

---The girls made us put two vacuum cleaners in front of the douchey man's door... it was their idea!---

Elevator door opens.. Chris Eff proceeds to drag a vacuum out of the elevator. It gets stuck in the crack leading into the hall. Everyone makes 'shhhh' sounds.

Lift the vacuum!

[Kristalyn, devilishly]
Lift it!

Nervous whispers are heard as the camera focuses in on the number plate of a door marked 1101.

[Chris Eff, to girls]
We're in this together.

Chris Eff proceeds to place both vacuums in front of the door. Suddenly a loud bang is heard and laughter erupts as the crew begins running down the hall away from room 1101. Suddenly, Billi realizes the girls entered the elevator and abandoned he and Chris during the plan that they themselves had hatched.

[Billi, out of love]
Fucking hoes! Fucking Bitches!

---So we were stuck on the eleventh floor---

Chris Eff is trying to open a door he hopes will lead to stairs.

[Billi, laughing]
Oh fuck, fuck! Fuckin.. shit's closed? It's locked?

Billi and Chris speed dash down the halls laughing, wind whipping past them as epicly as though they were breaking the sound barrier. Chris Eff reaches the end of the hall and tries another door. No luck.

That's a fucking room! That's a fucking room!

The two turn around, and dash in the opposite direction.

---This is us scrambling for a way down to the fifth floor.. our floor---

They find a door and go through it.

[Billi, screaming]

They climb some stairs and reach another door. Chris Eff wisely suggests they keep quiet before opening it. He reaches for the doorknob, but something isn't right.. Inexplicably they turn and run back the way they came, laughing and shouting 'oh fucks' at will. Billi reaches another door. Locked.

Oh fuck. We're trapped!

Camera pans over to Chris Eff who is waving Billi over.

What? What?

Billi walks through the door and without warning, he makes a sharp right turn into what appears to be a housekeeping closet and proceeds to pull out ironing boards that he finds there. This continues for some time. A whistle is heard from the hallway.

[Chris Eff]
Billi! Come on!

Is the elevator there? No it's not! You liar! I don't hear it!

Chris Eff disappears briefly, Billi continues pulling out ironing boards, and even sets one up outside the entrance of the room. Chris Eff appears around a corner to find Billi standing in the middle of the hallway laughing, dragging an ironing board. He breaks into uncontrollable laughter as well, and immediately grabs the board and drags it several feet down the hall, then abandons it to enter the broom closet.

Realizing these ironing boards are the funniest things there, he grabs another, opens it and proceeds to drag it to the elevator.

[Billi, laughing still]
Wait, wait!!

Billi throws two pillows on the floor in the hallway and places an iron gently on top of one of them. Another iron is seen on one of the two ironing boards opened and sitting dead center of the hotel hallway. Billi follows, hysterical, as Chris Eff drags the ironing board to the elevator. Two vacuums are seen in front of a hotel room door near the elevator, a telling sign that the two had in fact only returned to the site of their original outburst. They are completely unaware as they enter the elevator, ironing board in tow.

Fucking let go! Fucking let go!!

Both are in the elevator, finding it hard to breathe from laughing so hard.

No, Five! Five! Five! Five!

Both are pushing the button for the fifth floor to no avail, briefly forgetting the elevator is keycard activated.

Oh shit, you have to put your card in! Oh shit, oh shit, we're gonna go to the lobby!! We can't go to the lobby with this shit!!!

Chris Eff drops the key and half the contents of his wallet. Billi is freaking out!

Oh shit, motherfuckin! The fuckin key, the fuckin key! We're gonna go to the lobby!

Chris Eff slides the keycard into the slot several times, but the floor button doesn't seem to be responding.

Holy shit, we've been revoked! WE'VE BEEN REVOKED!

The button finally works,

Oh nice, okay.

[Chris Eff]

Both laugh uncontrollably. Camera pans to the ironing board laying against the wall of the elevator at a 45 degree angle. Billi's doing.

We should put it askew! We should put it askew like that!

Chris Eff responds with a drunken mumble of some kind that can't be heard through his hysterical laughter.

This, my friends, is bonding as it was meant to be.

---The End---

Friday, November 7, 2008

I love you, tomorrow.

Tomorrow is always a better day. Except when it's not.. but it always has the potential to be.

That's the beauty of it.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Stories and Sympathies.

[-----], love.

I know all too well what you're going through. Perhaps moreso because I've known the numbness but I've also known a complete emotional collapse upon losing a loved one.

When I was about fourteen, my grandmother passed away in her sleep, leaving my grandfather to live alone with us. I was raised by both of them, and spent a large portion of my early years in their presence. They loved me very much and I knew this, but her death stirred no emotion in me. I tried to cry but felt nothing, and I wondered if something was wrong with me.

My mother would ask if I was upset, and why I was not crying, and I used the fact my grandmother always said that we should not cry when she passes, as she's going to a better place. That we should rejoice instead. But that was just my way of justifying my complete lack of emotion. It was an odd thing; her passing, seeing the ambulance outside my home; her body in the casket. All very odd, but emotionally stirring? Not in the least.

I came to believe it was just that I did not feel emotionally tied to her. I appreciated all she'd done for me, but I never knew her. I never felt close to her. So this lack of emotion made complete sense, as does yours. It's no measure of your ability to feel or love. You just know deep down that this death is not something that will affect your life.

When my mother died, that was different. At one point, as she was laying there dead before me, I placed my hand on her head in some fashion as to bid a last farewell before the body was taken away. And I broke down completely and began to sob heavily. It was a moment of about five minutes, where I could not control my tears and I felt genuinely broken at the thought of her absence from my life.

Aside from the church service and funeral, where I cried quite a bit, the rest of the services were very calm and collected for me. The burial, the wake, during neither of these did I grow saddened. No tears were shed then. The human psyche has an astounding ability to adapt to life changes, and let it be known that within a day of her passing, my family and I had pulled together and were no longer crying about my mother's death but laughing, telling stories.

I suppose what I mean to say in all this, is that your reaction is normal given your relationship with your grandmother. There will be people in your lifetime whose deaths will bring you to weep. Others will pass without an ounce of lost sleep. This is life. This is death. They are not two separate things but different parts of one unified cycle whole.

I hope any portion of this has helped to bring you some peace of mind. I love you and I hope your family is handling everything well. You'll be in my thoughts this holiday season and beyond. Take care of yourself, please.

Best wishes,

My mom, brother, sister and I (I'm the youngest of three children)

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Shit cold freezeburgers.

It's gone from mild and slightly cool to "OMIGOD IF IT GETS ANY COLDER IT'S GONNA GROW INWARD" in two seconds flat. Now I'm no huge advocate of hot weather, there's nothing I hate more than being hot and sweaty and finding no relief. But this cold has sucker punched me like no other. I'm suddenly finding that sleeping in underwear is no longer an option lest I freeze to death. This cold is very much uncool.

BUT! Halloween is almost here, and I just received my costume in the mail. It's the first time I've ever actually purchased a Halloween costume and not just made due with what I could find. I normally wouldn't go to such an extent, but when I saw this costume, well... I felt costume envy, and I figured spending the money would be worth it. If I never wear it again (I will) then I'll just sell it on eBay or auction it off on Ye Old Tube. Who wouldn't want a huge cockroach suit that was worn by the legendary Chris Eff? (insert cricket sounds here)

Lastly, we're having a YouTube Mini-Gathering in Boston on the night of November 1st.. I think Mark (DentonUSA) and Jen (formerly Sullenity) are wanting to do a pub crawl in costume. I'm gonna be perfectly straight and tell you that I probably won't wear this massive cockroach costume to the bars that night. While it would be good for a few laughs, I just couldn't handle the whole bumping into people and swatting them with one of my six arms and .. well, yeah. No.

I think Billi might be spending the weekend with me here too. Tina, why aren't you here? WHY! (We love you) aaaaaaaand that'll do it for this blog. There are other things I could tell but mostly it's the same old life I'm living. Things are good here, I'm in a peaceful place. How about you?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Happy Birthday, StylistBrighton.

Today is Jane's birthday, and Brian Nessel set up a birthday channel for the lovely lady. Billi and I both procrastinated (it's a trademark) and thus, had yet to make a video. I suggested we join forces and thus, Billi3ff Productions was born. Here is our first of many fepic masterpieces:

Three cheers for StylistBrighton. She's quite a lady (obviouslyyy..)

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Fetish Experiment.

In an effort to utilize the internet to my complete advantage, and to further psychoanalyze the people and patterns I've seen, I'm going to film a series of mock (yet authentic-looking) fetish films. They will not be sexual in nature, but will exploit the various more tame fetishes I've encountered across YouTube. Sneezing, Haircut, Foot Fetishes, things of that nature. The more mundane they seem, the better. And I will be searching across YouTube to find the most viewed video related to each fetish, and match the tags. (and monetize, of course.) It's to be an experiment that will not only shine some light on the psychology of fetishism (that sounds important), but hopefully earn me some money as well so I can purchase a Macbook (priorities!)

It's going to be an interesting experiment, and I may even invite others to have guest spots as the anonymous "artist" acting out each particular fetish. We'll see, we'll see. One video for starters, and then perhaps I'll have a better idea of how I will go about all this. Wish me luck.

Friday, September 12, 2008

There are days in a man's life..

..when he inspires something so fantastically sexual that he just has to look at himself in a mirror, point and say, "You. Are. Awesome, my friend." Today was one of those days. Proof positive, this video.. which was inspired by my very own "Ghetto Boy" video. Now how you gonna tell me life ain't good?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Speaking of films..

I feel the cold season poking its head through the humid heatwaves of summer. This means, among other things, my seasonal hibernation and ignited passion for films and television on dvd. It's the time of year I will save money by not going out all the time, and spend it expanding my vast collection of cinema.

First on my list of films to purchase, the Sean Ellis directed Cashback. My interest piqued with the online viewing of a short teaser film some time ago, and I finally rented the full length a few months ago. It was many of the things I love about films; an insight into the human condition, the questions raised by doomed relationships and a waning work ethic, the power of the imagination, the art of daydreaming.

I am, admittedly, prone to losing myself in thought. I have reason to believe this is simply a matter of survival. People underestimate the damage day to day living can render to focused brain matter. Lost in thought trumps many, many things my friends. But that's not what this blog is about.

Cinema, film, art. Do comment with some things I should be watching this time around. I'll love you for it.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

On Being a YouTube Partner.

As a YouTube partner, you're entitled to a certain percentage of the revenue that YouTube/Google earns by placing advertisements on videos that you choose to monetize. It's been a long process, figuring out how the whole thing works and when I might be getting paid or how much, etc.. but upon signing into Adsense today, I was greeted by this message:

You are scheduled to be sent a payment by the 30th of this month. If you're receiving a standard delivery check, please allow up to 4 weeks for delivery, depending on your location. If you're using EFT or secured express delivery, your payment should arrive by the 5th of next month.

It's honestly about time. I'm pretty excited to be receiving money for doing something I was going to do anyway. It makes being on YouTube slightly less lame-sounding to people who aren't a part of the community. They will snicker about my being on YouTube, but when I tell them how much money I've made, they sort of change their tune. How much, you ask? Here's what Google tells me:

Balance at end of July $380.92

For making videos on the internet. Someone somewhere likes me enough.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Woman Seeking Photos of Desks.

My dear friend Kelly asked me to take a photo of my desk. I would ask why, but I think we're at a point in our relationship where I've come to feel that sometimes you're just better off not asking. So that's all well and fine but the point is simply that I am not using a desk right now. I'm working on my laptop, which is neatly perched upon a Tama Stagestar Floor Tom. I wonder what she makes of this...

If you want to sing out, sing out.

This is a song that I first heard while watching the film, Harold and Maude. It's a touching and enlightening film about a lonely young outcast who meets an outlandish older woman and delevops a unique romantic relationship. I immediately fell in love with the characters and plot, and certainly Cat Stevens' musical input lended a timeless air to the whole production. This song was at the helm and after scouring Stevens' musical catalogue, realized it had never been released on an album. I continued my search for some time and to my delight, I found the track on a "Best of" compilation and I haven't stopped listening to or loving it since. Here, I decided to lend homage to the track with a barebones acoustic cover. Hope you enjoy:

Monday, August 18, 2008

F*ck it, F*ght it, It's all the same.

When someone asks you what one thing in life you regret the most, is it better to know what that thing is and admit you've learned from it, or to not recall a single thing in life that was so tragic as to hold that place in your mind? I always draw a blank. Either that's a sign of not having lived enough, or a supreme devil-may-care attitude and eyes-on-the-prize ideal. I fuck up, I fix it, so here I am.

"Everybody's talkin' bout the new sound, funny but it's still rock and roll to me."
/reluctant but relevant quotation of Billy Joel

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

I'm not so sure about this.

I gave up blogging years ago.