Saturday, November 8, 2008

The Massacre at CQ. (Told and Transcribed)

[opening..]
There were once four young YouTubers that came across a hotel in Boston. and then one douchey man made them angry and revolt against the systems that had made them quiet little sheep. These YouTubers were not going to stand for it anymore!

---Based on a true story. Viewer discretion is advised.---

Cut to Heather standing in a hotel hallway.

[Douchey Man]
I'm trying to sleep in here.

[Billi, off camera]
I'm sorry.

[Heather]
*giggling*

[Chris Eff, incredulously]
What?

[Kristalyn, perhaps?]
Let's gooooo..

[Billi]
We weren't even that loud!

[Chris Eff, through laughter]
WHAT. WAS. THAT!?

---The Massacre at the CQ.---

The four begin walking down the hall. Chris Eff reaches over nonchalantly and rips a poster sized framed painting off the wall and drops it on the floor. His pace increases ever so slightly as the others, hands over mouths, fight back laughter.

[Billi]
Oh my.. oh my... oh my god!

Cut to Chris Eff standing in the elevator.

---The Rampage begins---

[Heather]
So open the door..

---The girls made us put two vacuum cleaners in front of the douchey man's door... it was their idea!---

Elevator door opens.. Chris Eff proceeds to drag a vacuum out of the elevator. It gets stuck in the crack leading into the hall. Everyone makes 'shhhh' sounds.

[Heather]
Lift the vacuum!

[Kristalyn, devilishly]
Lift it!

Nervous whispers are heard as the camera focuses in on the number plate of a door marked 1101.

[Chris Eff, to girls]
We're in this together.

Chris Eff proceeds to place both vacuums in front of the door. Suddenly a loud bang is heard and laughter erupts as the crew begins running down the hall away from room 1101. Suddenly, Billi realizes the girls entered the elevator and abandoned he and Chris during the plan that they themselves had hatched.

[Billi, out of love]
Fucking hoes! Fucking Bitches!

---So we were stuck on the eleventh floor---

Chris Eff is trying to open a door he hopes will lead to stairs.

[Billi, laughing]
Oh fuck, fuck! Fuckin.. shit's closed? It's locked?

Billi and Chris speed dash down the halls laughing, wind whipping past them as epicly as though they were breaking the sound barrier. Chris Eff reaches the end of the hall and tries another door. No luck.

[Billi]
That's a fucking room! That's a fucking room!

The two turn around, and dash in the opposite direction.

---This is us scrambling for a way down to the fifth floor.. our floor---

They find a door and go through it.

[Billi, screaming]
Motherfucker!

They climb some stairs and reach another door. Chris Eff wisely suggests they keep quiet before opening it. He reaches for the doorknob, but something isn't right.. Inexplicably they turn and run back the way they came, laughing and shouting 'oh fucks' at will. Billi reaches another door. Locked.

[Billi]
Oh fuck. We're trapped!

Camera pans over to Chris Eff who is waving Billi over.

[Billi]
What? What?

Billi walks through the door and without warning, he makes a sharp right turn into what appears to be a housekeeping closet and proceeds to pull out ironing boards that he finds there. This continues for some time. A whistle is heard from the hallway.

[Chris Eff]
Billi! Come on!

[Billi]
Is the elevator there? No it's not! You liar! I don't hear it!

Chris Eff disappears briefly, Billi continues pulling out ironing boards, and even sets one up outside the entrance of the room. Chris Eff appears around a corner to find Billi standing in the middle of the hallway laughing, dragging an ironing board. He breaks into uncontrollable laughter as well, and immediately grabs the board and drags it several feet down the hall, then abandons it to enter the broom closet.

Realizing these ironing boards are the funniest things there, he grabs another, opens it and proceeds to drag it to the elevator.

[Billi, laughing still]
Wait, wait!!

Billi throws two pillows on the floor in the hallway and places an iron gently on top of one of them. Another iron is seen on one of the two ironing boards opened and sitting dead center of the hotel hallway. Billi follows, hysterical, as Chris Eff drags the ironing board to the elevator. Two vacuums are seen in front of a hotel room door near the elevator, a telling sign that the two had in fact only returned to the site of their original outburst. They are completely unaware as they enter the elevator, ironing board in tow.

[Billi]
Fucking let go! Fucking let go!!

Both are in the elevator, finding it hard to breathe from laughing so hard.

[Billi]
No, Five! Five! Five! Five!

Both are pushing the button for the fifth floor to no avail, briefly forgetting the elevator is keycard activated.

[Billi]
Oh shit, you have to put your card in! Oh shit, oh shit, we're gonna go to the lobby!! We can't go to the lobby with this shit!!!

Chris Eff drops the key and half the contents of his wallet. Billi is freaking out!

[Billi]
Oh shit, motherfuckin! The fuckin key, the fuckin key! We're gonna go to the lobby!

Chris Eff slides the keycard into the slot several times, but the floor button doesn't seem to be responding.

[Billi]
Holy shit, we've been revoked! WE'VE BEEN REVOKED!

The button finally works,

[Billi]
Oh nice, okay.

[Chris Eff]
Yessss!!!!!

Both laugh uncontrollably. Camera pans to the ironing board laying against the wall of the elevator at a 45 degree angle. Billi's doing.

[Billi]
We should put it askew! We should put it askew like that!

Chris Eff responds with a drunken mumble of some kind that can't be heard through his hysterical laughter.

This, my friends, is bonding as it was meant to be.

---The End---

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